All Under One Roof
The lecturer is running late, again. It is freaking hot, God this February heat. I had quite the heavy lunch just before I dragged my overfed self to class. Couple that up with an atmosphere of sweaty armpits, cheap colognes and body lotions, and you have the perfect cocktail for an afternoon nap. I am seated next to a Mr. Somebody-or-other, who is trying his utter best to chat me up as if his unit’s grade depends on it. Ordinarily, I’d involve myself in the chit-chat, as I would rather be admired for my scintillating conversation prowess and sparkling personality, than my canine ability to fall asleep in such a public place. However, the guy has onion breathe. Vibe killer right there. So as he goes yadda yadda yadda about something obviously extremely boring, I give an absent minded smile as I look around the class.
There is quite the interesting collage of personalities in this class. So whilst my wet-behind-the-ear neighbor is falling over himself giving his ‘wise’ opinion on why Aromat is the best thing to ever happen to the world of cookery, I do a little person evaluation. Judgment is too harsh a word.
1. The class diva/ Queen Bee
Always has the latest of trends in fashion. Her make-up is flawless and she moves around with an aura of femininity and perfection. Guys stare and drool when she passes by and leaves a trail of designer perfume behind, for them to revel in, probably even have some wet dreams with,in some cases.
2. The in-love couple
Our very own Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, minus the football team of kids and the private Island of course. They look so great together, they make Beyoncé and Jay Z look like amateurs in this love business. They are the type that make you watch The Notebook for the gazillionth time, and wonder why all the men you keep meeting have to be jackasses who spoil you rotten one day, only to be on a frugality drive the next. Or why they have to have onion breathe. Sigh.
3. The Wannabe
Thinks she is the yet-to-be-discovered Katy Perry. She tries to live, act and dress the part, but she tries too hard. One fashion paux after another, she never really gets it right- too much eye liner, a dress a tad too revealing, lipstick that makes her look as though she’s been on a fourteen-hour spree drinking red wine, which has congealed and solidified on her mouth. Attempting to smile, she looks like Dracula.
4. The drunk
Always high on something; booze, weed, shisha…whatever substance that is ingestible and can be abused. He slurs in his speech, never makes complete sentences and smiles like the world is his oyster.
5. The out-of-this-earth one
Believes smurfs are real, and that aliens are watching our every move, waiting for the appropriate time to make an invasion and conquer the world. He is always daydreaming, has his keys tied around his neck and is always whispering to himself.
6. Miss Goody two shoes
Such a pain in the butt this one. Does she always have to remind the lecturer about an assignment or a presentation due? They say her transcript has never felt the taste of a B. Ever. She’s all about those As man.
7. The copying machines
They never complete assignments on their own, and their mantra is ‘I’d rather cheat than repeat’.
8. Back of the class crew
Very loud. Annoying sometimes. They make witty remarks almost about everything that happens in class. Never make notes because they are always busy whispering about one thing or the next.
9. The Heaven-bound
These ones apparently have their tickets to heaven booked and confirmed. They look at you enter class in your not-so-Godly outfit, then shake their heads, like you are the devil’s associate herself. They stick to themselves, lest you contaminate them with your evil mind and ways.
10. MY CRUSH
I was saving the best for last. He is my favourite part of class. Darn he’s cute. And his smile, good Lord that smile. Like a buttery sunshine, melting my insides, turning me into a wobbly gooey mix of something between childishness and being a speechless clumsy complete mess of an idiot. He has this deep goofy laugh, and an urbane confidence that renders him utterly charismatic. He probably doesn’t even know I exist and if does, he probably thinks I’m a total nutcase, someone he’d rather eat goat poop than be seen hanging out with. Sigh. Still, a girl is allowed to dream, isn’t she?
Well, it seems Mr. Onion breathe has finally gotten the gist that I don’t give two horses whether he prepares whale for dinner or eats zebra hooves because he has turned around to make small talk with the other girl next to him, who obviously doesn’t mind his breathe because she’s giving him the ‘If you keep going we could get it on, tonight maybe.’
Jeez, I really should have taken that nap when I had the chance.
All Under One Roof