Human beings can show you things. You might just be minding your own business, living your life, poking your nose and sleeping like a panda, but people will still come trying you. They will be poking you, exhausting every ounce of the patience and grace you’ve saved up for rainy days in your relationship. Prodding you to say and/or do nasty things, even when you are trying so hard to truly live for the Lord. Really. I have had it up to here with people like this;
1.Those who want to throw you off the helipad at KICC because you haven’t called them in a while.
The awkward conversation usually resembles something like this.
Person X: Wambi umepotea! (Wambi you’ve been MIA!)
Me: Forced awkward chuckle. Responds in gibberish.
Person X: Ei, but mbona umenyamaza hivyo? Yaani hata huwezi nipigia simu wewe? Unaeza nisahau tu hivyo? Eh? (Why have you gone that silent on me? You can’t even call me? You mean you can easily forget about me like that?!)
Me: Begins to describe how the moon turned black, which in turn resulted into my phone being drowned in my nephew’s spit which wiped out every application except Subway Surfers.
I agree that parents, grandparents, even old aunts and uncles get a free pass. But surely, if we are just hi-buddies, and aren’t thaaaat close, please keep your tantrums for your boyfriend/girlfriend. And if it bothers you so much, why can’t you be the one to call/text? See, communication is two-way. If you miss me, call me. Or don’t. Just don’t come to me with that umeninyamazia sana-kwani nilikukosea shit.
2. People who slide into your DM to sweetie-honey you, only when they need money.
You haven’t talked to them since you were eating barafu za bob bob in primary school. Heck, they never even like your status updates or photos, but they will crush into your inbox, buttering you like they want to marry you. What’s even more annoying is the ridiculously small amounts they ask for, which they swear with spit and blood, to repay in two weeks, but they know darn well they won’t, because they assume it will be an amount small enough to make a grant.
Person Y: Sasa swts!
Me: *Rolls eyes* Poa. Sema.
Person Y: (they don’t even award you the courtesy of small talk) Aki swts, I am in a fix. Unaeza nisave na ka200 hapo nitarefund next week.
Now, I may come across on this blog as this no-nonsense lady who doesn’t hesitate to put a dimwit in their rightful place, but I am actually kind and soft on people’s feelings in person. Which explains why I still gave my first HELB disbursement to my then boyfriend, even after I found him on top of some other chic. Oh, the dumb shit we do in the name of love!
That said, for these ka200 bob peeps, my responses are usually something between I’m so broke right now or Lemme try looking. Will send it if I find it. But in essence, that is code for Better find someone else to help you honey. Because you ain’t getting nothing from this swts. Which reminds me of those people who expect you to remind them to refund you, when you came through for them in their time of need. Hell fire is your portion.
3. Fuccbois. Fuccbois.
I don’t even know where to start with these ones. You know what, I won’t even. I despise them enough not to continue with this paragraph.
4. Strange men who greet or beckon at you as if you are some street dog, and then catch feelings and hurl insulting abuses at you when you ignore them.
Oya, is it by force? If I look or respond to you, will you win the Sportpesa jackpot? Men need to understand that every lady reserves the right to (or not to) respond as they deem fit. We don’t owe you anything, more so strangers displaying barbaric zinjanthropical tendencies. So please, gerrarahia with that nonsense.
5. People who act like they know everything.
I mean, They. Fucking. Think. They. Know. EVERYTHING. It’s easy to spot these kinds of people. No matter what the topic of discussion is-Kim Kardashian, Skittles, Estonia’s first lady, your great grandmother, Jacob Zuma’s index finger, anything-they always have something to say. And they don’t stop there. Their point of view HAS to be the correct one. Yawa, if you are so all-knowing and always right, why are you not up there in heaven ruling the world with God? Oh invincibly flawless piece of art, why are you indulging we who are but simple imperfect silly mortals in pointless arguments? Give others a fair chance to express themselves. Learn to listen. It just might save your life. See where Adam and Eve landed us.
6. Finally, the penda wewe/my-xxx-better-than-yours crew.
If you send any of that nonsense to me I will roll you up in a duvet, douse it with petrol, light it on fire and throw you out of a ten-storey building.
Feel free to add some of those habits in people that make you want to pull the hair off your scalp.