Treat food like a joke and I will attack you like it's funny.
Treat food like a joke and I will attack you like it’s funny.

It is no secret that I love food. A lot. And I am very unapologetic about it. I live to eat, while most people eat to live. To me, food is more than just edibles that keep the body systems functioning, and eating is an activity that should be accorded its deserved time. You ought to savour the flavours and enjoy it. Chew through the awesomeness of it and appreciate every taste, figure out what ingredient tastes how and how everything blends in together.

Unfortunately, there are acca yakkers that just won’t let you have your meals in peace. The freaking party poopers that rain on your parade with dumb remarks and ugly stares, causing a fuss about anything and everything-where you’re eating, how you’re eating or the quantity/quality of what your eating. Dumb remarks and ugly stares that make you want to pat them on the back.

With a grilling pan.


Consequently, my patience and the I-will-let-that-slide chorea smiles have run out, so I have made a list of the things you might wanna (not) do when dining with me, or any other true foodie, matter of fact. It is all in good fun, but, in case you catch feelings, well, get diapers and chew on some pepper on your way out.

Shall we?

1. If you are Kenyan, and eat ugali with a spoon or fork, you are a disgrace to humanity. An unfortunate waste of the printing ink that was used to state your nationality on your birth certificate, national ID card, school certificates and any other valid documents. Actually, they should send you back to where you belong. Pretendsylvania.

2. Eating pizza with a fork and knife. It’s a pizza for fruck’s sake. Not a salad. You disgust me. Don’t even come near me.


3. We make plans to have you over for a meal or meals and some chit chat. I take my time to prepare something nice, probably way nicer than what I have eaten in two months. You get to my house, touch the food the way nurses in hospital do to prick our fore finger when drawing blood for malaria test, and then say you are full.

My sister, my brother, the only thing you are full of, is shit. I didn’t work my ass off making flour edible and playing kati with oil, just for you to come and play tapo with my food, once, then claim that you are full.  Full WETIN? Full WHERE?  Full HOW? WHAT is full?! No, you don’t get to play me like that, unless it is that game that is of Thrones, and as far as I know, you are no Khal Drogo or Arya Stark.

So you will eat the food, or carry it home with you. Give it to the matatu driver if you wish. But the FOOD. MUST. GO. Before I lose it like below…



4. I will not share my mahindi choma (grilled maize) with you. Stop looking at me with expectant eyes.

5. Please, if you are going to keep throwing disgusting looks at me and fidgeting uncomfortably in your seat as I eat my chicken, suck on the bone marrow and chew the bones to oblivion, don’t invite me to go to a restaurant with you. In fact, delete me from your list of friends. You know nothing.


6. Fish is not for you, if you will order it then leave the head unscathed because it is supposedly unclean and not fit for your consumption. As if that is not enough, you don’t even touch the fins and the tail. Okay, I understand that it takes a true eater of fish to chew on fish fins and tails, but can’t you in the very least suck the soup out of them? No?  Stick to Indomie then.

7. Is it too embarrassing for you that I eat too fast and do not take intervals of 24 hours in between one scoop of food and the next like a conventional girl on a date ought to do? Thii Ukiumaga.

8. In this age and era, if you are still sending me Candy Crush saga requests, you disappoint me. That is not the kind of food I am talking about.

Esteemed reader, what is that one thing that annoys to the bone and gives you a mini I-am-gonna-lose-it attack every time you come across it? For me it is people that feel like they are entitled to faster service on queues, like the rest of us are just busy watching Spongebob as we stand in line. Like there fingers will melt and their knees burst open if they humbly wait for their turn like everyone else. Such people deserve nothing short of death by combat, with the Stryker MGS.


Now, just before I go pee, I was gonna go on and on about how you could wiggle your way into my (previously empty) heart with any of these: Oreos, skittles, a meat deluxe pizza, strawberry slush, a chicken teriyaki foot-long from the Subway, or any of those king-sized burgers at Steers, *pauses to catch breath*  strawberry lemonade from 360 degrees pizza, chicken from Fez BBQ place, Naivas pilau, lime slush from Blueberry, fried beef, frozen yorghut from Planet Yorghut…but The Amazing Mr. has that covered, and by that I mean ALL THAT. Seriously, sometimes it baffles me how you can find yourself in another person so much so that you are not afraid to be as gastronome as you wanna be, because they get you, and they are just as gastronome, if not worse. Ha! It is numinous.

So, I will save you the trouble. However, if you are feeling sufficiently philanthropic, by all means, don’t hold back! Just make sure to have them top my foot-long with pickles. And chipotle. Don’t forget the chipotle.

Have a tasty day, si?😁

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11 thoughts on “Don’t Play With My Food. My Life Depends On It”

  1. Thii ukiumaga just drove the point home, you know?
    Who doesn’t love food? I can’t imagine an existence without fish, and fries, and rice,and avocado, and broccoli, and pineapple,and pizza, and cake, and MEAT….
    I finish every last crumb of rice on my plate. I always leave the plate cleaner than I found it.
    Like my CRE teacher used to say, ” Tuko wegi! “

  2. Hey I do eat ugali with a fork but only because am from doing heavy farm work. Who what’s to be sick with cholera or typhoid? Otherwise ugali tastes better when eaten by hand. N I agree with you on the pizza. Enjoyed reading this piece Laura ! Keep on .

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