Lifestyle

Taking Stock: First Third of 2016

I have cockroach memory. Consequently, this post is gonna be very difficult for me to write because I really do not remember with precision much of the events that have happened, and that includes some of the major happenings in my life, regrettably. I thought of keeping a diary; matter of fact, I used to be nun-faithful to one, till my brother got hold of it and read it out to the entire household, using just the right tonal variations, intonations and facial expressions detailing how terrible my first kiss was, first because the (lucky) boy’s mouth had the stench of ten dumpsters combined, it was as if an animal crawled up and died in there. Secondly, by the time we were done kissingΒ he was done licking my face, I felt like an ice cream cone in the hands of a toddler-annoyingly wet(on the face), uncomfortably sticky and feeling just about ready to melt into oblivion. Everybody laughed hard, I smirked the life out of my brother’s head but I swore never to document anything of sentimental value that happened to me since. I digress.

Luckily, unlike me, the internet never forgets, so I might as well document my shit here . That way, when someone asks me something that judging from the look he/she is giving me I ought to obviously remember, I will just refer here. Shall we?

Looking: For BeyoncΓ©’s LEMONADE. I seem to be the only one that is yet to have a listen or a watch. Help me out here guys…I also want to throw shade and act like I know all the inns and outs of Queen Bey’s life when I make comments on every one else’s posts about the entire drama.

Feeling: All over the place. There are times when i have had long streaks of joy and everything was perfect. There are also times when I felt like the Devil had made my life his playground, jumping up and down, kicking me this way and that as he pleased. But most of all i feel grateful to God to be alive. He triumphs over all.

Wondering: Why the butt crack only feels itchy when you are in public. Consequently you start walking like a squirrel just ran up your legs and is tickling your crotch; all because you can’t scratch reason being that potential spouses could be watching, also for the reason that everyone nowadays is at risk of becoming a meme superstar, what with the era of smart phones and social media. However, me says, if the butt crack itch becomes too overwhelming for you that you cannot take any more steps, just say f@*#k it and dig right in. Scratch to your satisfaction honey. Get it from an expert. Been there, done that.

Wishing: Donald Trump would migrate to Jupiter, and that he would take Babu Owino with him.

Giving: Zero shits to the people that rejoice and laugh at my mistakes. Go on, relish in my errs you perfectly sainted humans. I feel good about the things I have accomplished. I don’t feel bad for those I haven’t, I have learnt from them. For instance,I know now that if you do not refrigerate your Island Sauce after opening it, it will go bad. Β No mistakes, Just Lessons. I also have a little something something for my ‘friends’. You know, the type that pop champagne and sail with you when things are good then bail when the boat goes under. This is for you…midWatching: Emanuella and Papa Tobi & Ade. Hilarious. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚Totally hilarious. Make me laugh all day every day. See for yourself.


Admiring: Every filthy rich person out there. The type that travel to Paris simply for cheesecake. Or those that get Lamborghini for their birthday while I am here using okada every day, inhaling air that has passed through okada man’s jacket which in most occasions gets to my nose when it’s something between smoke, stinky shoes and rotten kale. I envy you rich peeps. I want your life.πŸ˜”πŸ˜”

Obsessing: Over my new smartphone πŸ‘πŸ‘ For as long as i can remember I have had some shuck of a gadget whose screen looked like it was smashed on the Great Wall of China and every time I tried to do anything on it it went off then begin to boot all over again. A couple of months ago, it went off and has not come on again. Since then I have been scavenging from one broken kabambe to the next till finally, my amazing dad came through for me. It’s the best phone yet. No it’s not from Apple.

Loving: Nate. The feeling of being his aunt, caring for this four month angel and seeing him smile is indescribable. But when he gets hold of my hair and pulls at it like it’s his Mommy’s tits, my eyes get teary. Strong little man that one.

Learning: Not to expect anything from anyone. Expectation is the root of all heartache and disappointment.

Drinking: Lemon Coffee. That shit is amazing.

Eating: My words. Larry Madowo is indeed a great show host. And sorry, Boris Kodjoe. There is a new prince of my fantasy kingdom-Brock O’hurn. No further comment.

brock-ohurn-104
Photo Credits: www.alanilagan.com

Searching: For a job. Anyone? I write and do computer stuff. I’m pretty good.

Regretting: The three minute of my life that i wasted listening to Jimmy Gait’s cover of Hello. Three precious minutes I will never regain. Internet bundles I would have put into better use. Like getting the hang of SnapChat. Or trying to.

Wearing: A pair of Bata Tropic slippers that I bought in the village that are wrongly labelled. The right one is labelled ‘Left’ and vice versa. Every time I slip my feet in I smile.

Writing: Off the debts that are owed to me. At this point, I have run out of ‘Heys’ and ‘Niko vibaya’ to prod my debtors to pay me back. And my ears are almost bleeding from the countless times I have heard “Kuna pesa nangoja tu in an hour alafu nikutumie”(I’m waiting for some money that is due in an hour then I’ll send it to you)Their clocks/watches then seem to break down right after because the hour never elapses. The Lord neither sleeps nor slumber. Just you wait. Moto ya kuwachoma bado inafanya press-ups.

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Doing: 1. A looooot of sleeping and poking my nose with my fingers…What’s that? I’m gross? Why thank you for the compliment, Mayor of Clean town.

2. I am also eating everything and anything, except eggs. Apparently, the ass-ets that once stood firm and solid, have [sadly] pulled a Chase Bank on me. I used to be terribly proud of them. Sigh. Sickness is a bummer. Eats the shit off your weight and leaves you looking like a botched orangutan. Gotta eat my way back. Gotta get ’em ass-ets up and running again.

3. I’m catching up on Blackish and Scandal and a tonne of other series and latest movies that continue to reduce my eye life. Wi-Fi is man’s best creation I tell yah(Oreo is still Bae), especially when it’s free (Thanks Wendy and Jack πŸ˜€).

4. I have also been self-learning to speak Spanish.Because it’s cool. Β Dejar de lado los sentimientos (Means acha mafeelings). Yes. I’m that good :-). If I keep up like this you will see me on soap operas soon.Β Watch this space.

Well,evidently, I’ve got a lot of serious things to do. But Mswati I think I’m gonna start with you.

Rhyme Guru is out.

peace

 

 

 

 

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23 Comment

    1. Humans are funny. When they are asking you for the money they are like a cute puppy. Saa za kurudisha? When! Simba. We don’t have time to keep following them Ella. Write them off!

  1. ‘Taking stock: First Third of 2016′ is a piece that I relate with because it sums up all that we fear saying.’We’ in the sense of our collective experience of slipping on our right feet on the left bata sandal and vice verse. You are Blunt and honest in writing and that is what millennials term ‘dope’. I like the fact that the advices featured in your writing do not come out as the hardcore, brutal, clichΓ©d advices our aunts shove down our throats when we are ‘tripping’, ….they sound like Laura is pouring out to a brother or sister or friend or alumni or Bae about what sounds sane to do and follow. And any piece packaged with humor gets me anyday, everyday, anytime.

    Best,
    Agakhan alumna 06′

  2. I love this shit! Hahaa you good!!!….owh and yes i got the Mswati line hahaa
    Keep writing Laura, yo’ good

  3. This gives me an idea..i will definitely have to take stock of my year,especially my school year…it’s been completely mental lately…but this post was equally rekatable to me in dome way,love it tho

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